When I tell people I have OCD they usually have one of two reactions:
- Do you wash your hands like a thousand times a day?
- You’re never allowed in my house!
Oh man, if only they knew! I hate to disappoint, but the answers are no and likewise. Their reactions represent the enduring stereotypes of OCD: we’re all germaphobes who wash our hands a gazillion times a day and judge those around us because they don’t live up to our standards of cleanliness.
Stereotypes exist for a reason, right? At some point something about the stereotype was true, and maybe still is. Stereotypes are broad oversimplifications, though, that do not apply to everyone within the category they attempt to explain, and they tend to focus on the most sensational aspects, the ones that stand out. It makes sense; which of these statements is more memorable — a person with OCD washes her hands a gazillion times a day or a person with OCD is sensitive to loud noises?
The truth about OCD is that there are many types, each with a multitude of symptoms, and the manifestation of these symptoms might surprise you. Many people have heard of or seen the show Hoarders. It highlights the extreme consequences of people who hoard, a behavior that is a symptom of OCD. Not all people who have hoarding tendencies have OCD, but certainly the people on this show do. What I love about this show is that it’s rocked one of the main stereotypes of OCD, that people with OCD are obsessively and compulsively clean. How can a person with OCD be someone who hoards to the point of letting their home become so unsanitary, right? This is the paradox of OCD: the obsession can create compulsions that are counter to the obsession.
I am obsessed with cleanliness and orderliness and all things related. My favorite aisle at the grocery store is the cleaning aisle. I walk down it like a drug addict in a pharmacy. My cupboards and closets hold more cleaning supplies than anything else. I have countless books on organizing. And . . . I am an utter slob. I’m not a hoarder although I do have tendencies. My house doesn’t look anything like the homes featured on the show, but it is pretty gross, and not just by the standards of a person obsessed with cleanliness. The toilet is dirty, everything has a layer of dust, the carpets haven’t been vacuumed in a month, dirty dishes cover the kitchen counters, clothes are in piles all over the house . . . there’s a lot more I could mention, but you get the idea.
So, how can this be? It’s complicated and layered, but basically my obsession with cleanliness sets me up to fail. The neat freak inside me has created a slob outside of me because the obsession is . . . well, crazy. Very simply put, it says I have to do things perfectly and the definition of perfection is ever changing. When I try I fail and when I don’t try I fail. More often than not I don’t even try and that’s how, in a nutshell, I’ve ended up a slob. Worse than that, I’m a slob obsessed with needing things to be just so and they’re not so I’m constantly ill at ease. It’s painful, truly. And I deserve a beautiful, clean, organized space. I need it. One thing about the OCD mind is that it can’t visually or otherwise process disorder. Clutter and chaos are confusing, agitating and depressing.
I’m determined to figure this out, to come up with a way to overcome or adapt or something. I know the OCD’s not going anywhere but I also know I’ve been very successful with some of my other OCD symptoms at setting limits and figuring out a way to function. And I’m a smart and resourceful person — I should be able to do this. I made it through college and grad school; I raised a very successful kid all by myself; I have a good job at which I’m successful — there’s no reason I can’t do this, too. Right? Right!
A lot has been written about organizing, clutter, cleaning, simplicity and the like. There are many resources for the average person, but few for people like me. So this is my quest — to figure out how to overcome my obstacles, to chronicle my research and attempts here, and ultimately to create the type of environment that will calm my symptoms and allow me to live in peace surrounded by beauty.
The OCD [& ADHD] Slob 